Who Does the Dishes? Solving Role Conflict in Marriage

She was in my office complaining that her husband didn't help her with household responsibilities. "We both work full-time," she said. "He acts like I'm his mother. He expects me to do everything around the house while he watches TV and unwinds. Well, maybe I need to unwind."

How do we solve our role related conflicts? It helps if we clarify our objectives. If we want harmony and intimacy, we must each do "our part" around the house. A spouse who feels "put upon" is not likely to be interested in intimacy. Why not ask your spouse, "Do you feel that I could be helping more around the house?" Let their answer guide your actions.

In today's urban society, over 50 percent of the wives have full-time jobs outside the home. Before the children come, it is relatively easy to negotiate what both husband and wife agree to be a fair distribution of labor.

However, when the children arrive, there is a whole new dynamic. Each stage of childhood brings on additional areas of responsibility. How do we fit it all in? We don't! Children call for a whole new responsibility contract. It's time to go back to the drawing board. Spend some time trying to use your skills to make time to be good parents and maintain a strong marriage.

I vacuum the carpet and wash the dishes at my house. What do you do at your house? Who will do what? It is a question that every couple must answer.

This does not mean that once a responsibility is accepted that the spouse will never offer to help with the task. Love seeks to help. The scriptures do not tell us exactly who should do what; the scriptures do encourage us to agree upon the answer. I encourage you to keep negotiating until both of you feel good about who is doing what at your house.